Английские анекдоты

В разделе представлены английские шутки и анекдоты на разнообразные темы.

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."

The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"

"Food cold!" the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"

"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"

"I quit!" said the man.

"Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

There was a man who had two dogs, named "commonsense" and "trouble". He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought "trouble" to the park, and left "commonsense" at home. While the man was so happy playing "Frisbee" with his friends, "trouble" disappeared. The man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywhere but could not find it.

A lady realized it and asked the man, "What are you looking for?"

The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'..."

"Pardon..." said the lady.

The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'."

The lady was annoyed and asked "Where's your COMMONSENSE?"

The man whose mind was only about his dogs, answered "At home..."

An architect was very famous because he always ordered exactly enough materials for every building he built. He was very popular because he could build buildings at the lowest possible cost.

After ten years of perfect building, one of his men came to him when they had finished a 40 story building. "I have bad news," the man said "because we have one brick left over!" "Oh no!" the architect exclaimed, "My ten year perfection record is broken!"

Do you know what he did with the brick?

He threw it away!

When a very tired man got on a crowded bus one afternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting on one seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap. The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driver stopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap.

When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and began noisly sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and smell was irritating, he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had asked her to move the dog. They began another argument and the lady threw the pickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Just then the bus stopped and the dog got in line to get back on. Guess what the dog had in its mouth?

The brick!

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."

The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door. So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads:

"Panda: black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves."

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