Английские анекдоты

В разделе представлены английские шутки и анекдоты на разнообразные темы.

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

He asks the shopkeeper "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"

The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."

The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would take the penguins there. He agrees.

Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.

"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.

The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the professor asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The professor said, "No and I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

The professor again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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